A Day (Or Seven Minutes) In The Life of Home Schooling Online with Three Sons – Monty (6), Chester (5) and Guthrie (3)

9.45am – The third breakfast since 6am – a medley of porridge, Weetabix and toast and now, Caramel Rocky Bars and marshmallows because it feels like bloody lunchtime.

Me: “Boys, clothes – head though, arms….we can’t let your class see you’re in pyjamas..”

When home schooling goes feral



10am – First lesson of the day. Quick. Shit. What’s the log-in again for Chester? Right. On, in time. Just listen, concentrate. There’s a pencil and paper and there’s your teacher on screen. Smile…You need the toilet? Ok, quick. Run. She can see you.”

Monty (6): “Mummy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Monty: “Why are we here?”

Me: “Chester. Hurry up..sorry..Monty, why are we here in the house? Because it’s just the way it is for a wee while.”

Monty: “No. Here. On Earth. Why are we actually here?”

Me: “Oh, right. Good question. Chester, good, your’e back. Sit down darling and listen. And smile..What’s that round your mouth?  Chocolate! I’ll get a wipe. Monty, we’ll talk about it in a minute. Just let me get Chester sorted…”

Pre-lockdown, pre-pyjamas

Chester (5): “Why can’t I ask my teacher about cows?”

Me: “Oh My God..just listen.”

Guthrie (3): (From afar) “I’ve done a poo on the toilet.”

Me running: “Good boy. Mummy’s just coming.”

Thirty seconds later, back at laptop. 

Me: “Chester. Why is is quiet? Chester, why is no one speaking on the computer?”

Chester: “I wondered what the red button does.”

Me: “Oh Jesus. Did you press it?”

Chester: “Maybe,”

Me: “Oh God, you’ve hung up.”

Monty: “When’s my lesson mummy?”

Me: “In an hour. You’ve got homework first – I’ll print it off. ”

Guthire: “Mummy, I’m hungry.”

Me: “Again? Chester, why did you have to press the red button?”

Chester: “They weren’t talking about cows. And no one was talking to me.”

Me: “Guthrie! Get down from the cupboard. You can’t be hungry. Right, what’s your log-in again Chester? Do. Not. Press. The. Red. Button. Again.”

Dressed to Kilt

Chester: “Ok mummy. How many sleeps to my birthday?”

Me: “Right, good. We’re back on. (The teacher is thanking children for sending in their beautiful pictures..oh Jeez, what pictures?) Guthrie – do not climb up there again…At least 100 sleeps Chester. And when you’re grown up you might get a cow. If you become a farmer. And Monty. Sorry, you wanted to know – why are we here? Right, why are we here? Just give me a minute….”

10.07am: Me: (Silently, I hope) “Is it too early for wine?”